Ten things that are irritating me for no real reason this week:

Stand up comedians using Twitter to ask for technical support. This happens ALL THE TIME. They use it like their personal PC World helpline.  I guess I would do the same if I had thousands of slavish followers. That does not make it less annoying.

People who use “crowdsourcing” when they really mean “doing all my work for me without any pay”. Comedians are bad for this, too. “Hey, suggest a character/band/shop name in my new sitcom/novel/one man play and I’ll credit you!” Yes, and for no money, you lazy, unimaginative hackmuncher.

People who solely use pictures of their kids for their avatars. I mean, it’s OK for a while if you’ve had a new baby, just to show them off, but all the time? I have zero parenting high ground, but that’s just weird.

Beer adverts that slavishly follow the “three guys (so there’s no hint that they’re gay), two of whom must be white, and the other must be black but light-skinned black, you know?”.

D-list celebrities taking up all the travel commissions instead of actual journalists. A soap actress goes to a spa. RIVETTING.

Guy at the gym who always runs on the machine next to me no matter how many other machines are free. Sir, we observe the urinal rule here. If you can be further away, then be further away.

Noisy seagulls outside my bedroom. They are deluded if they think they are anywhere near the ocean. Noisily deluded.

Stand up comedians (yeah, I’m irritated by them A LOT this week) who respond to heckles by saying: “Well, I don’t come to your workplace and yell at you.” No, you don’t. But to be fair, I don’t spend three weeks on Twitter and Facebook begging you to come to my workplace, then make you pay £15 to get into my workplace and then force you to drink expensive, watered-down lager at my workplace. Deal with it, you baby.

Middle class complaints. You know the kind. “Starbucks was too crowded so I had to go to Café Nero.” “I almost cut my finger destoning that avocado.” Tied in with this, headline for a feature in the Financial Times: “Merryn Somerset Webb buys her first house.” You just know reading that is going to make you pant-splittingly angry.

Butter from the fridge. Yes, it’s a middle class complaint. As are all the above. I’m irritating myself. Happy?

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